Kissing – an Art and Science

Stumbled upon this interesting piece while surfing the net…   My mum’s the only woman who can get me to spring clean my room in autumn. She does it with something called dessert. Lemon Souffle’s, Apple Pies, Rum tarts, Trifle Puddings, Raspberry Jellies, Pineapple Cakes, Chocolate chip cookies, Hot fudge, Blackcurrant Ice creams, Caramel Custards, Whipped Mousse, Peach Melba, Gooseberry Treacle, Tiramisu, Strawberry Glazed cakes, Blueberry Muffins and Carrot Patties. I may have left a few out. But that’s how she does it. I think it’s unfair to take advantage of a poor hungry girl in desperate need of nourishment, but it’s the broom or nothing.So that’s how I found myself lying flat on my back under my bed with The Feather Duster. And that’s how the spider found me. And landed daintily on the tip of my nose. I squashed it of course, after jumping upright and banging my forehead against the underside of my bed. The last thing I want to do is go about kissing Kirsten Dunst upside down in the rain. That made me think about kisses and kissing. Girls spend hours dreaming of their first kiss, boys spend hours fantasizing about what might follow. So what were the odds that there would be a systematized body of knowledge dedicated to the subject? Good old Wikipedia proved me right. The science of kissing is known as Philematology. Wikipedia being it’s normal helpful self has even devoted a page on ‘How to French Kiss’, This is salvation for the many girls who suffer when their boyfriends decide they want a game of tonsil tennis. A kiss symbolizes love. It speaks of affection. Of amorous feelings. Of romantic intentions. And sometimes it promises a night of …er… well, dinner by candle light. Not all kisses are pleasant though. The kiss of a crime lord indicates that the underlings life is about to end. This is known as the Kiss of Death, or to put it simply, a goodbye kiss. People worry about being bad kissers. What do you do with your tongue? Where do your hands go? What happens if you’re wearing braces? How do you avoid Bad Breath? What happens if you can’t breathe? (Honest, people do worry about breathing).Now the Eskimo’s, they don’t have to worry that they might be bad kissers. Not unless they’ve caught a cold and have a runny nose. And what are the chances of catching a cold in Alaska? Prince Charming was indeed a brave man. He fought witches and monsters and climbed up lashing vines of thorns. But more than anything, it was the kiss that spoke volumes of his courage. Sleeping Beauty had been asleep for a hundred years. She may have needed a kiss, but more than anything she needed a toothbrush. Indeed, he was a brave, brave man. Do you think Eskimo kissing makes no sense? There are some other really … unusual ways of kissing. Like butterfly kisses. Where two people put their eyes close to each other and flutter their eyelashes up and down. Or Caterpillar kissing, where the two individuals rub their eyebrows together. There are cheek kisses and blown kisses and ring kisses for members of the Royal Family. One of the most romantic things a man can do for a woman is to kiss her hands. But for a man, there’s nothing as desirable as a French kiss. I found a site which lists out 36 different ways (or is it types?) of kissing. Most of it is redundant though. I suggest you spend five minutes devoted to each type (or way) and just call it THE kiss. And spend the rest of your life bragging about it if you’re a guy. A bit of advice – take out your bubble gum before you try the earlobe kissing. Earrings don’t grow on trees, and your date won’t be very happy to have bits of chewy forming a protective covering over her sapphires. The concept of kissing booths is alien to India, and I’ve yet to hear of a kissing booth being manned by… well, a man. Perhaps it’s because women aren’t loony enough to pay to get a kiss from a perfect stranger. This resolves the long debated point of whether women are the superior of the species. We are. Some girls spend hours at astrology.com trying to figure out which shade of lipstick will lead to the perfect kiss with a man who’s name begins with T, as opposed to no lipstick at all. And then spend hours on the phone asking each other whether Coral Red matte would be better than Coral Red gloss. The superiority comes with age. 

Mistletoe – isn’t that what Christmas is all about? (no it isn’t, but this post doesn’t cover that). This is the perfect way to steal a kiss from someone who would normally never deign to kiss you and will probably erase it from her memory five seconds later for the sake of image. This normally happens if you’re the class nerd and she’s the star cheerleader who took pity on you. Though the chance of that happening is very unlikely. The star cheerleader is always accompanied by a group of equally pretty and feather headed friends, and is never left alone, especially under misteltoe. But hey, you got the kiss didn’t you? And at the end of the movie- I mean year, she’ll probably fall in love with you and renounce her pom poms for a life of binary digits.

 The longest kiss in the world lasted 30 hours 59 minutes and 27 seconds. A bit over the top? Well it takes all sorts to make this world. The pair kissed each other non stop as a Valentine Day special, and didn’t pause to eat, sleep, sit down or even go to the bathroom. They didn’t eat anything. For 30 hours 59 minutes and 27 seconds! Which reminds me, my apple pie is ready and piping hot. And later, I plan to go over to the pond at the bottom on my neighbours garden. I have some frogs to kiss. Unless you know of a Prince Charming…?  

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Published in: Uncategorized on October 24, 2006 at 7:50 am  Comments (3)  

Married men beware

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his salary) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of abuse from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?”

“That would suit me just fine!!!” the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday went by with the same result.
Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye!

Published in: Uncategorized on October 23, 2006 at 8:18 am  Leave a Comment  

I promise, I didn’t write this !


Mr. Rajan comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck and says: “I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”

The next day, Mrs. Rajan receives a telephone call from TN Electricity Board (TNEB) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

“Am I speaking to Mrs. Rajan?”

“Yes…… speaking”

CEB guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”

“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.

“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy .

“What are you saying? It’s in your files …… How?”

“Yes…………. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”

“God!…. this is too much……”

“Madam, I am sorry…I am following orders…I have to inform you are overdue.”

“I know that… let me talk to my husband about this tonight…he will speak to your company tomorrow.”

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to CEB office the next day morning.

“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.

“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at CEB, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”

“Pay you? And if I refuse?”

“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”

Published in: on October 23, 2006 at 7:56 am  Leave a Comment  

Tiger Skin Trade: Sordid saga !

 The BBC came out with an disturbing piece recently!, it said that trade in tiger parts have increased in the recent past. The seizure of Dozens of leopard skins and 108 (yes it is that large!) tiger skins at a Lhasa Monastery shows how fast hopes are fading for today’s tigers. Indira Gandhi would have been ashamed. I see little hope from the National Tiger Authority set up by the government.

It is simple!, unless security norms are tightened and political patronage stopped be ready to show tigers only on videos to your children/ grandchildren!

If anybody is reading this please understand yourself and even tell others, it is plain misconception that tiger parts have medicinal uses!! Whatever Chinese herbal doctors may claim,it is foolish to even say that tiger parts have mdeicinal properties.

We should be thankful to even see that there are 1200 odd tigers left in the wild (back to sqaure one). Gone are the days when the wildlife act ensured that 5000 tigers could live in relative safety (from 1200 in 1971!!!).

These (please insert the profanity of your choice , these wretched dregs merit it wholly!) Sansar Chands and other leading poachers will definitely ruin the tigers if not stopped now!

It is beseeching request to everyone of you reading this column, please spread awareness, only that will the magnificent Cat, he is dependent on us!!!

Spread this message ! and save the tiger!

To understand a little about the Royal Bengal Tiger pls visit,

 http://www.indiantiger.org/wildlife-organizations/project-tiger.html

Published in: Uncategorized on September 29, 2006 at 8:22 am  Comments (1)  

Musharaff’s memoirs: Follies unlimited from Bunglers Inc. aka Government of Pakistan

 From what i understand of Musharaff’s memoirs and Sharif’s Book, The Pakistani response to failure or folly is refreshingly simple: just forget about the damned thing ! :). Consign it to the godown (an ever expanding one!!) of unwelcome memories and act as if nothing happened.

They did it with the ‘65 war, no one at the top ever publicly admitting that far from India being the aggressor, Pakistan’s actions in Kashmir invited Indian retaliation. Any internal army analysis about how the Ayub command walked into that mess? It is safe to assume that even the almighty is groping in the dark on this one.

Come 71′, Any admission of atrocities committed in East Pakistan? Any commission set up to investigate the truth? There was the Hamoodur Rahman Commission Report kept under wraps for years and released by the current regime only after India Today exposed it and brought egg on Pakistani faces. You could be forgiven if you assumed for a moment heads would roll. Nope not here Sir, The Pak army’s skin is really thick!.

For 20 years the Pakistan army and its intelligence agencies played baffling games in Afghanistan aimed at keeping Afghanistan forever in Pakistan’s orbit of influence. Acquiring ‘strategic depth’ is what their Erwin Rommels called it.

Well the fruits of that policy are bountifully evident today. Guns, drugs, religious extremism, a proliferation of religious schools, the rise of mullah power and a refugee population that has done Pakistan serious damage. A country that cannot acknowledge its war dead cannot be expected to do even a few things correctly. To refuse accepting war dead and insulting them by denying their existence doesn’t speak very well about any aspect of Pakistan.

In this context Musharaff’s account comes across as rather very sorry. While the status of his ‘credibility’ is well known, Pakistan comes across as a rather lousy unsporting loser. The general’s memoirs only reinforce that! It also shows after 59 years of existence the Pakistani nation is yet to come to terms with its identity/ realise what to do. It is just bungling from pillar to post clueless. It presents a very sorry picture indeed and only confirms the already widespread view of Pakistan being an irresponsible nation!

Tailpiece: It is difficult to even imagine that Kargil could be thought as as a ‘victory’ ,  even Ares, the god of war wouldn’t be amused!!!  😦

Published in: Uncategorized on September 29, 2006 at 8:02 am  Leave a Comment  

Lebanon: Ceasefire and beyond….

Finally the guns are showing signs of falling silent in Southern Lebanon. On Tuesday, Israel began to pull many of its reserve troops out of southern Lebanon, and its military chief of staff said all of the soldiers could be back across the border within 10 days. While the Israelis began their withdrawal, hundreds of Hezbollah members spread over dozens of villages across southern Lebanon began cleaning, organizing and surveying damage. Men on bulldozers were busy cutting lanes through giant piles of rubble. Roads blocked with the remnants of buildings are now, just a day after a cease-fire began, fully passable.

If there is something that should boost Hizbollah’s standing this should be it. Israel’s cause has been actually harmed though it should be agreed that it was a tough option in the face of what hizbollah had perpetrated by the kidnapping. Al Jazeera showed in Bint Jbail, Hezbollah ambulances ,large, new cars with flashing lights on the top  ferrying bodies of fighters to graves out of mountains of rubble. Hezbollah’s reputation as an efficient grass-roots social service network ,as opposed to the Lebanese government, regarded by many here as sleek men in suits doing well was in evidence everywhere. Nasrallah has been quoted as saying “Today is the day to keep up our promises,” He had added “All our brothers will be in your service starting tomorrow.”

Hezbollah men also traveled door to door checking on residents and asking them what help they needed. Although Hezbollah is a Shiite organization, Sheik Nasrallah’s message has resounded even with  Sunni Muslims who have vouched for Hizbollah’s credibility, “The government may do some work on bridges and roads, but when it comes to rebuilding houses, Hezbollah will have a big role to play,” a sunni villager has been quoted saying by the NY times. “Nasrallah said yesterday he would rebuild, and he will come through.” Sheik Nasrallah’s speech is a  watershed in Lebanese politics, establishing his group on an equal footing with the official government. Sheik Nasrallah has taken on the veneer of a national leader rather than the head of one group in Lebanon’s political parties. According to the NY times  In tone and content, Nasrallah’s remarks seemed more like those of a president or a prime minister should be making while addressing the nation after a terrible month of destruction and human suffering. Cannot dispute that 😦

Support for Hezbollah was likely to become stronger. Hezbollah has two pillars of support, the resistance and the social services. What this war has illustrated is that it is best at both. Israel has played into the hands of the Hizbollah.

Securing a peaceful future has sadly got harder for a gritty bunch of people (Israelis) and poor innocent arab civilians…..

Published in: Uncategorized on August 16, 2006 at 5:07 pm  Leave a Comment  

Of impotence, the arab world and Israel

I was reading Ha’aretz recently, it described the lebanese crisis in the following vein , ”This mortifying war” was supposed to destroy Hezbollah quickly. But it has now entered its fourth week and far from being destroyed Hezbollah is proving more than a match for the Israeli army. The Arab street is electrified, Arab leaders, emasculated vassals of the United States, look on despondently. Nothing has made them look more impotent than the current bout of fighting.

While Israel’s difficulties are understandable, this move has just played into the hands of the Hezbollah. While it is imperative for the Arab nations to recognise Israel’s right to exist, Israel should show some flexibility in return. This policy of a overwhelming response is of no use as the current cycle has clearly showed. The lack of able administrators in the arab world is evident more than ever before. It is such a shame that the arab leaders refuse to accept the existence of the jewish state after 60 years. However,

Compromise means Israel has an obligation, too. Israel must acknowledge its role in the refugee problem and stop blaming others. It means compensating the Palestinian refugees for lost property with the same vigor of Jews seeking compensation and a restoration of dignity from governments and businesses that cooperated with the Nazis during World War II. It also means the Arab world must compensate Jews who left Arab countries to immigrate to Israel. Arguing about whether any of these Jewish or Palestinian refugees were forced to leave or fled is irrelevant.A compromise needs to come forth from both the sides. it is an incredibly compicated mess, god forbid should nasrallah fire on telaviv, the middle east might well descend into chaos. this bombing will simply provide radical islam the impetus it could have never got on its own and yes hezbollah and co get new sets of suicide bombers too. In that sense Mr.Olmert has unwittingly played into nasrallah’s hands…..

At last, perhaps it would also help if the ‘distingushed leaders’ of the arab world could pull themselves up. Starting to act like real men is definitely not a bad idea to start with…. 

Published in: Uncategorized on August 5, 2006 at 6:08 am  Comments (1)  

Schindler’s List !!! need i say more?

Steven spielberg!- No director has ever put together a more popular body of work. Man! what a phenomenen he is!. I see schindler’s list every week and it never fails to impress me. It impresses, haunts, gives hope… phew this work of art is mindboggling!. To me this movie comes at the very top of ‘The finest movies of all time list’.

 I remember some people I saw at a screening, all with red, glistening eyes affixed to the movie screen. All those people were feeling the pain, the same pain that I knew we were all experiencing, that we all shared. The shared pain of the Holocaust is so enormous, so very tragic its beyond words… See this movie phew! right from the black and white setting to the background music its simply a stunner in all respects. Another director couldn’t have even thought of handling such a topic. Steven spielberg is well and truly ‘The Master’.

Even his latest Munich was masterful. Though i felt the movie did meander a little in the middle stages, the movie was a great watch!

Published in: on July 22, 2006 at 7:27 am  Leave a Comment  

Shogun by Clavell

I was thrilled when Crossword said they would be delivering a copy of James Clavell’s masterpiece ‘Shogun’. Clavell’s Shogun is arguably one of the best books i have read. Historical novels have often been provocative objects of study and this book is no exception to that rule. Shōgun is the first novel chronologically speaking in Clavell’s Asian Saga. It is set in  Japan somewhere around 1600 and gives an account of the rise of Chief of the armies of the East, Yoshi Toranaga (real life Tokugawa Ieyasu) to the Shogunate.

What makes this particular novel so very admirable is that it brings forth a central feature of clavell’s novels particularly well that being ‘the real protagonists in Clavell’s novels are not the characters, but the time and place. The characters themselves form the canvas on which Clavell illustrates a culture so skillfully….

I am also currently reading Wild Swans by Jung Chang and ‘Mao:the unknown story’… I kind of found the book ‘Mao’ very biased though not historically incorrect in many places… i will write more on that later….

Published in: on July 22, 2006 at 7:13 am  Leave a Comment  

Save the Royal Bengal Tiger

It is hard not to sympathise with Valmik Thapar. I am filled with anger and sorrow when i see tigers getting poached relentlessly. The sansar chand gang & co  and others get away due to political patronage. Sariska and ranthambore are stark examples. From a high of over 5000 tigers in the 1990s there are now less then 1900-2000 left. The Royal Bengal Tiger is increasingly friendless… 

Friends whoever cares to read this, please please try and understand the tiger depends on us for survival. If you and me donot understand and act, it might be too late. I really wish Mrs Indira Gandhi was alive. her 1972 wildlife act stills affords whatever protection the tiger gets. If you were to ask me what is more important , the Taj or the Tiger, i would blindly say the tiger is more crucial.

This magnificient, seemingly powerful beast is infact helpless, so helpless it moves me to tears sometimes. See the cubs’ photo above, does it deserve to lose its mother/father to some poaching ba***rd?. Lets act before its too late…

Please visit this website…. and know more, contribute….

http://www.savethetigerfund.org/

I will write about  WatpaLuangtaBua yannasampanno or tiger temple in Thailand in my next post. It is indeed a joy to read about the temple and pure joy watching tigers living happily with buddist monks.  

Published in: on July 12, 2006 at 10:06 am  Leave a Comment